Thursday, January 29, 2015

When I was 25...

In five months I'll become a mom. Earlier today I was looking at myself on the mirror, only joy filled my heart with gratitude. Looking my reflection on the mirror reminded me the joys of time healing and faith. This is something I haven't opened about in my blog but thought this is what I hold back whenever I talk about what caused me to change. It is very personal but I share because this is my story.

This pregnancy is special to me because when I was  twenty-five, without planning I became pregnant. At that time of my life having children was the last thing on my mind. Honestly I wasn't sure whether motherhood was something I wanted. At that time of my life I had resigned to call myself Catholic or even to pray. Eddie and I weren't ready to be parents. Our relationship was rocky and my life wasn't  stable emotionally nor mentally to become a mother. But somehow, once I accepted that motherhood was in the cards I figured to run with the idea. 

I will never forget the phone call I got from my Doctor to tell me most likely I will have a miscarriage at any time. The minute she said that I felt the silence of the world. The following day my mom went with me to do several ultrasounds to conclude what had happened. All results lead that the pregnancy had died. At that time the pregnancy was a surprised that wasn't even sure how far along I had been. That night after several years of me not praying, my parents and I sat in silence in prayer. Before going to bed I prayed again for him to guide me. I promised that this life I had carried for short time would not be forgotten and somehow will get my life together. 

My mom told me, "Sometimes these things happens, we have no control over them. We must accept whats happening and know things happen for a reason."

Every 4th of July for three years after my lost it became a day of heartache with lots of tears. That day was the day I found out I was pregnant. Eventually I healed and that holiday no longer stood for a lost instead it became a meaning for hope. Believe me it didn't happen over night, it took lots of support from my closest friend who knew as well as the faith I grew and change I had begun in me. 

By all means I am not perfect and do make mistakes but the person who I am today is in big part because of that life. I never thought that so much love for an angel I never met could linger on for years...but it did. My mom was right things do happen for a reason. I couldn't see it like that back then but years after got easier to understand. 

This is me at 25 a couple months after lost. Took a trip with my closest friend. 
When my child is old enough to understand I will share my story, to know how special they are to me. My baby's expected due date is June 28th very close to 4th of July when I first found out about my 1st pregnancy. Don't think this is a a sign. Other's can say otherwise but for me there is a connection. Thanks to that brief experience I was forced to change. You know what? I love this new me...actually that was always me, the real me was just a little lost. Thank you my little angel. 

Recent picture back in early stage of baby bump. Looking forward to the new journey.

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